From the word GO.

Apprehension. That's what she felt. It all started with her saying Yes. 'Yes' to new beginning, to new environment, to new situations, to new people, to new temperaments. The 'Yes' meant she was ready to take on this responsibility. That she is going to submit to whatever came her way as part and parcel of these new state of affairs. Apprehension - a fearful expectation. She had said 'Yes', because there was no reason for her to say No. Thinking back, she was amazed at herself that she had taken the initial steps without any uncertainties, without a doubt moved ahead with positive steps, flowed down just like water, nothing could stop her even when there were obstacles in her way, she made way finding path in any nook and crevice between the rocks and tried reaching her destination - unprotected and vulnerable, but still moving on. No one to turn to, with whom she can share her suspicions, who can guide her through her skepticism, who can negate her doubts, rubbish her incertitude. She looks around and finds no one. No one, who can tell her with certainty that all is going to be fine, do not worry, what you have decided is not going to fall off the highest cliff ever. There are few people who are either envious of her convictions or feel that the strength that she has got will take her ahead on her own, so they never lend her a hand or a shoulder for support. So she fights alone, always have in the past, and possibly in the future too. But right now, she is apprehensive. Perhaps a phase, like all the others that have come in the past. This too shall pass away - is what has always kept her going. 

Hurts..

How some people have the power to shake the spirit! By actions or words! Those are the ones who matter. The rest are just living souls roaming around in the vast wasteland. 

Well, this is what I wrote yesterday when something hurt real badly and there was no way I could have escaped it.. or probably I could have but I had no idea how to do so.. The formation of knots in the throat, choking of the words and tears springing in my eyes, both hurt and anger in the head, clotting pain at constricting temples, the heart still wants not to believe and forget what happened.. coz this pain will vanish in a moment with just slight change in actions/ words by the same people who caused this all melodramatic pain... 

I think the reason to let go of all this pain is the love you have for that person and there comes in the selflessness coz of the unconditional love and so one good moment after the incident will make you forget the pain till the next time it comes back.. and don't be under any pretense... it will come back.. for sure..!! 

So in the meantime, keep enjoying the pain... 

Till next time, Cheers... 

- A

We are going to pull you down.!!??

Plans are building up, the windmill has started running. 

You know you are a little different from other people - in a good way or bad way - make your own choice. You want to do something big, something for which you will be recognized, a name to reckon for. You feel you had no special talent but still you have pinned down your niche. You have picked up a certain direction towards which you want to work for that elusive success. The idea seems feasible, you think about it. And then some more. You conclude that its worth a shot and you start acting upon it.

The idea grows on you. The whole thing is still an idea but the complete image looks beautiful to you. You even have timelines for it broken down to long term and short term goals. This is how serious you are for this dream of yours. The hopes are high, the plans are set. Everything is so perfect in your mind that you are bursting with pleasure and are in a dreamy state about it. You want to wait for the world to see and acknowledge the success of the picture that you have created in your head. 

Yet that is going to take time as it is just an idea that you have right now. And one day you are sitting with someone close and whom you trust, and then you start sharing your plan with the intent of getting them to conform with the idea or maybe also dismiss your unspoken doubts, but instead you get a condescending look implying "are you out of your friggin' mind!! what made you think you can even try something like that? Haven't you got something better to do rather - maybe at your current work place or with your personal life - like go out, meet people? What is up with all this new non-sense?" One look says the most of it or sometimes it is even a rhetorical question back at you, something like "Whaaattt? Now you want to become Shobha De?" And you end up thinking, where did this come from? When this close person should very well be knowing that you hate the guts of Shobha De for being what she is - well, as a writer - to be precise. And why do you think this person will know that you hate her, is because of the simple reason that you yourself have told her innumerable times in your past conversations. 

There are doubts in the mind of people. There are people who will always think that you can't do anything or whatever you are saying you want to do - its all bluffing. They will be sarcastic, they might even look down on you thinking this one is so young, s/he can't possibly do what s/he intends to achieve. There will be sardonic laughs or just a blank face - incriminating that you will let yourself down. Or possibly let them down..!! So, what is their fear for not letting you try what you want to do with your life. It won't even matter if these people are not the only two people whose opinion matter to you or who you consider will always support you, no matter what. Don't know what hurts the more - the mistrust of these in you or your trust in them. :)

Till next one...!!

Cheers..

- A

There's a jerk in you - there's a bitch in me...

When I don't like things around me

I brood the people 

When I don't approve of people around me

I damn the system

When I am new to the system

I feel something vicious is being planned

When I am old in the system 

I gossip and do the same

When others gossip 

I smell the fish

When they talk good about me

I am contented

When they rubbish me

I get offended

When I am ecstatically happy

I feel sick

When I am actually sick 

I get melancholic

When people trust me

I fancy the feeling

When they have rough patches 

I relish their misery

When they want me to help them

They become a burden

When they don't interact with me 

I doubt myself - can't be undone

When I am in despair 

I need a hand to guide

And a warm shoulder

But never thought of 

returning this favor 

'Cause I know 

There's a jerk in you

But guess what 

There's a bitch in me too...!!

To all Jerks and Bitches... Cheers..!!

-A 

In all vanity...

How time passes and life brings diverse things on the platter. I remember the time when I used to come back from School and used to have 2-3 hours for myself alone, when parents were still at work. Every month Maa used to get Nandan & Champak (Kids Magazines), and I used to indulge myself in the colorful world of beautiful Princesses, chivalrous Princes and savage Demons. After sometime, the reading bug grew so powerful that I used to read these magazines within an hour of their delivery. 

So later, I started to venture out for other areas which could fulfill my reading needs, so to say. And thus after not too much of an effort, I landed in a amazing room filled with books stack after stack to choose from. So from Tintins to Enid Blyton's Noddy series to Famous Fives & Nancy Drews came another world of stories to the platter. On the way met all the Mills & Boon and Harlequin Romances too. And have seen the journey from Harold Robbins to Ayn Rand - all the way. From Action to Love, from History to Sci-Fi, from Comedy to Horror stories to Supernatural, from Religion to scriptures, have read them all. When I look back, it seems I have known so many different people, learnt about their lives and been a part of their queer situations too. And what a fun it is to re-read a book..!! It's like meeting old friends, who you have known from the past and you know what they have went through and how their lives unturned in front of you. Its simply soothing. Bliss.

On the other hand, it has been sometime time now that I have been following different American TV Series also. It started off with the all familiar Friends series which everyone has seen it and loved it... and its oft repeated telecasts of all seasons on all the English General Entertainment channels and the result of watching them all, every time there was a telecast - I not only know the story line of each and every episode but in fact can now lip sync the dialogs too.. Still, the beauty is that I still love the series and can still watch it from any point of any episode from any series at any time. :)

Plus there was this thing to try something new and then as luck would have it, just by chance I got my hands on so many various other TV series - it was like stepping on to a huge pile of dope to someone who is an avid fan of stories... and this was a huge list of series starting from Lost to Prison Break to Alias to 24 to Supernatural at one end and The Big Bang Theory to How I met Your Mother to Two and a Half Men to Mike and Molly to Dharma & Greg to Cybill. This TV watching journey also has been eventful and it is just another way of getting know other people. 

Whether it is a book or a TV series, the most impacting have been the ones with strong characters and that throughout the story the characters have been developed and the writers have hung on to the basic traits of the character. The characters have been strong, dynamic, loose, afraid, queer, honest, whimsical or stupid. But have loved them all. 

The urge to read more is still growing, but with all the work and so many other contraptions of life, there is still lesser time to do so much that has been on the to-read and to-see list. 

So just trying to make some more time, but right now have been utilizing it to write all this stuff down. Recently have not written so much, but this is another bug which is growing by the day or lets say growing by the week or even month, since I last wrote in July sometime. :) 

so till next time...

Cheers...!!

- A